


Hope

by tearsandholdme



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mpreg, Past Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 07:43:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4092748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearsandholdme/pseuds/tearsandholdme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one could understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short angsty drabble.
> 
> If you like then obviously leave those kudos and comments!
> 
> Thank you for reading x

The house was too quiet. Stiles hated the silence, he hated being able to hear his own heartbeat, hear the hum of the fridge, the tweeting of birds outside. But being around people was also almost unbearable. Stiles knew they wanted to be there for him, they wanted to feed him and hug him and keep him warm. But it was unbearable watching their expressions twist into sympathy, eyes light with their own grief. But they didn't understand. No one could understand. Not Allison and Scott happy in their marriage and four year old son Joshua, not Erica and Boyd engaged to be wed, not Isaac, or Lydia, or even his own dad could ever understand. They couldn't but Derek could. Derek who was doing his best to keep them both strong and together. 

Stiles twisted his wedding ring on his hand and felt that deep ache in his chest. God he loved him. Stiles loved Derek so much. There was never no denying that. Two and a half years married, the wedding day clear in his head. They had been lucky getting a sunny day, a day of laughter, sunshine, love, careful kisses under trees to keep cool in the garden before a week in Greece for a honeymoon. 

Stiles bit his lip hard pushing the cup of cold coffee away and sat back closing his eyes. He took a few moments to breathe in and out before pushing up to clean the kitchen. It was easier to clean and distract himself then wallow in self pity. Stiles was scrubbing the kitchen sink out when the front door opened. Stiles didn't pause in work and only stopped when he felt a hand on his waist, a kiss to the back of his neck.

“Melissa sent another lasagna,” he said, putting it down on the side carefully.

“Great, I was wondering what we could have for dinner,” Stiles muttered, peeling back the tin foil and looking back to meet his eyes. There was nothing in his eyes but love and a careful concern he knew was for him and him alone. 

“She asked how you were.”

“What did you say?”

“That you were fine, as usual. They're worried,” Derek said softly, hands unzipping his jacket slowly. Stiles inhaled softly and nodded grabbing a towel to dry his hands. 

“She gave me some boxes, it's been two months, she thinks – I think we should,” Derek trailed off with a catch in his throat. Stiles gripped the counter tight and swallowed hard knowing exactly what he was talking about. The nursery. The untouched nursery. Stiles hadn't been in there since it happened, didn't want to go near it. The room remained closed and Stiles did his utmost best to ignore it's existence. 

“I'll do it, all of it, you won't have to...”

“I know,” he said cutting him off. “I know.”

Derek moved in and pressed his lips to his forehead, his fingers stroked the side of his neck and he shuddered at the feeling. 

“I love you.”

Derek told him that every day. Stiles smiled softly at him and nodded pressing his lips against his. 

“I love you too,” he replied and pressed his lips together hard when Derek moved away. His fingers twisted the towel in his hand and he swallowed the lump in his throat again and again watching him take boxes upstairs. It was difficult to concentrate when he knew what was about to happen. Stiles stood in the living room and stared out of the window looking out at the forest. There were times he wanted to escape, escape out of this old house, escape and never be seen again. 

Stiles before they had got married, before they were officially dating, had supported the idea of Derek putting his money to good use. Renovating the old Hale house, tearing it all down and starting afresh. Tearing down the nightmares and building a fresh whole one on top of it. It took months and months but they did it. Stiles was now standing and breathing in it. But it sometimes didn't escape his mind that once upon a time people died here. Distracting himself didn't work too well though and he ended up walking up the stairs as quiet as he could be. Bypassing their bedroom to stand and stare at the door at the end of the hallway. There was sounds coming from within and he hesitated for a mere moment. 

Stiles ended up standing in the doorway looking in at Derek taking clothes out of the drawers. There was an itch under his skin, a desperate scratch to get in there and smack his hands away. Leave it untouched. But the memory lingered and if they were to move on they had to start that ultimate healing process. It would all go in the attic for now. Still there but packed away from sight. Stiles leaned against the doorway knowing Derek knew he was there but Derek didn't acknowledge him. He was a little thankful for that. 

Everything was packed until he reached the crib and Stiles saw the hesitation, the flex of his hands before he took out the baby blanket. He felt that flinch inside and shook his head quickly moving into the room.

“No,” Stiles said out loud. Derek turned with confused pained eyes and Stiles took the blanket out of his hands and clutched it to his chest. “Not this.”

“Stiles...”

“It was mine,” he interrupted him harshly. “No, it doesn't get locked away.”

“Fine, fine,” Derek accepted, hand touching his arm. Stiles swallowed the urge to cry because god he wanted to cry. He wanted to sob all over again but he fought back the urge to do that. Crying wasn't going to solve anything here. Stiles left him after that and returned to the bedroom and made sure to lock the door behind him. It was a neutral color, soft around the edges, a baby bear in the corner. It was clean after washing and he pressed it to his face inhaling deeply and squeezed his eyes shut. Stiles ended up wriggling under the covers and ended up crushing it to his chest and wanted to nap. 

He got his wish when he fell into a sleep he wanted. His dreams twisted and confused with color and drama. It was only when he felt fingers in his hair that he woke up and squinted at Derek looking down at him. 

“You've had a long nap, it's dinner time.”

“Right,” he mumbled, the blanket was tucked against his lap and he sat up carefully blinking sleep out of his eyes. “Is it done?”

“Yeah, I did everything,” Derek replied in a tight voice. Stiles knew it would have hurt and he moved onto his knees wrapping his arms around his neck. Derek wrapped them around his chest and he pressed his face into his neck.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.

“Don't apologize,” Derek murmured, a sharp jerk of his head. “I wanted to...well...”

“I know,” Stiles whispered. They held onto each other for a couple of minutes before Stiles drew back slowly and looked into his eyes. 

“Melissa's lasagna or Chinese?”

“Chinese, nothing against Mrs McCall but I've had enough lasagna to last a lifetime.”

Stiles smirked and pressed his lips to his cheek nodding. Derek left the bed and Stiles licked his lips pulling out the warm baby blanket. He folded it carefully and smoothed his hands over it slowly before leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to it. It was placed in the bottom drawer of his bedside table drawers before quickly snapped shut. 

He jumped in the shower overhearing Derek's quiet voice on the mobile downstairs. They always had the same food so there was no point ordering anything else. It felt good to scrub away the sleep and sweat and change into a pair of sweatpants and loose top. Derek was settled in front of the television when he joined him and sat down heavily next to him.

“What are we watching?”

“I don't know, America’s Next Top Model?”

“You hate that show,” Stiles scolded, tapping him with the control and snatching it to flick through the channels. “Oh! Spiderman is on!”

“Yeah but Tobey Maguire,” Derek scowled.

“This guy started it off! It isn't that bad,” Stiles argued and scoffed at the raised eyebrows. “Okay, okay, the third film was a joke and it was really bad but the first two are alright. Shut up and let me live.”

Derek ended up wrapping his arm around his shoulders and Stiles hummed leaning his head against his shoulder watching the film. It didn't take too long for their Chinese food to arrive and he jumped up heading to the door.

“No flirting,” Derek warned. Stiles smirked and opened the front door to the delivery boy who smiled in greeting holding the food out. 

“Long night?”

“Just a little bit,” he said, holding out his hand for the money and Stiles repressed the urge to laugh at the pink to his cheeks. “See you around, I mean thank you! Yeah, I just...”

“Later, thanks,” Stiles cut him off amused and shut the front door heading to the kitchen. 

“You always do that.”

“What? Oh come on, he's eighteen, I'm twenty four, Derek,” Stiles argued playfully getting the plates out. “Anyway, we weren't flirting.”

“You know he likes you.”

“Shame I have this,” he said, holding up his hand with the wedding ring. Derek's eyes flashed red and he smirked dropping his hand to scoop the food out. Derek's nose brushed his neck and he kissed it hard before leaving him to do it. Stiles' heart leapt and he flicked his eyes to his retreating back. They hadn't had sex in months. Not because of a lost spark or lost attraction but because it didn't feel right yet. 

The miscarriage had taken it's heavy toll of them both. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it. Before they had a healthy sex life, the kind of sex that had his body screaming in muscle pain and orgasms so good he could recite poems if he wanted to. But then the baby died and everything died along with it. Stiles sighed deeply carrying the plates into the living room and handed him the fullest plate before getting two beers out the fridge. 

Stiles noticed the way Derek eyed him when he took his first sip. He saw the tightening in his jaw and he knew sometimes Derek forgot he was now allowed beer. They ignored it though, like they always did. They ate their food and watched the rest of the film till it was late and they headed up to bed. Derek's arm warm against his waist and a pressure against his back. He slept and Stiles didn't. Instead he stared at the alarm clock ticking down the hours and thought. 

In the end it was maddening and he ended up getting out of bed carefully to not wake Derek. Stiles ended up in the kitchen and made himself a hot chocolate in the microwave. Warm milk always helped him sleep as a kid and he sat himself down waiting patiently. 

“You always do this,” Derek murmured appearing out of nowhere so he yelped and clutched his chest.

“Derek, fuck,” he breathed, leaning in him when he wrapped his arms around him from behind. “Did I wake you up?”

“Microwave, sensitive hearing,” he mumbled, chin resting on top of his head. “Why can't you sleep?”

“One of the many reasons you shouldn't nap in the middle of the afternoon.”

“That would explain it,” Derek muttered and moved his arms when the microwave dinged and he hopped down from his seat to fetch it. “It's not anything else is it?”

“Like what?”

“I know packing up the nursery...”

“No, Derek, it's not the nursery,” Stiles interrupted. “I – I knew it had to happen one day. I'm not stupid. Everyone was telling me to do it. The amount of times Allison hinted...it's not that or anything to do with that. I just have a cloudy head.”

“If you need to talk...”

“Derek, I don't want to talk.”

“What do you want?”

Stiles sighed deeply staring down at his mug of hot chocolate. “Now? I want a hug.”

Derek nodded slowly and moved the cup aside to tug him gently into his arms. Arms warm around him so he rest his head against his shoulder, face tucked up against his neck. Derek's hugs were the best hugs. They always made him feel warm, safe, protected, and he leaned his weight fully into him. He felt Derek press soft kisses into his hair and let his eyes close just for a moment reveling in the peace of it.

\--- 

It had been a long day. Stiles could feel it in the ache of his legs when he finally got into the house. The car wasn't there so that meant Derek was still out. They didn't have permanent jobs but Derek liked to take on temporary roles. They weren't exactly strapped for cash but the extra money helped out. Stiles dumped his keys and groaned flopping on the couch with a heavy sigh. Looking after Joshua McCall was a joy and a pain in itself, he was an excitable boy. Very like Scott in his younger years, four years old and ready to seize the day. Not that he minded babysitting him for Allison and Scott desperate for some time alone but that old deep ache inside of him still liked to flare. 

Stiles did his best to get back on his feet though and end the day by cooking some dinner. Chicken chow mein sounded amazing to him and he got the ingredients out. He was halfway through it when the front door opened and he turned his head to see Derek hope. He looked tired and in need of a good sleep but he still smiled at him all the same.

“Hi,” Stiles greeted him with a kiss. The kiss shot through him and he hummed feeling Derek deepen it, hands pressed against his back. Stiles felt disappointed when they parted and Derek hummed sniffing the food.

“Smells nice, how long?”

“Fifteen minutes.”

“Great, I'm going to get a shower,” he murmured, pressing a lingering kiss to his lips so he opened his eyes slowly once he was gone. That hunger roared inside of him and it wasn't for food. Four and a half months. Four months and a half months without full penetrative sex. Oh they had done the others. Sleepy hand jobs in the morning, blow jobs in the shower, Derek rimming him till he sobbed. But sex still hadn't happened and Stiles ached for it. He wanted it and he was going to get it. 

The food was done in fifteen minutes like he predicted and Derek came down damp from his shower but looking ten times better. It was a nice feeling watching him eat and he chewed his chicken thoughtfully.

“This was amazing,” Derek said once he was done and Stiles smiled at the compliment. His mind was buzzing with thoughts and he let Derek handle the dishes while he sat in the living room. 

“You're quiet,” Derek said, interrupting his chain of thoughts so he hummed and apologized. 

“Sorry, long day.”

“How was Joshua?”

“Playful as ever, kept me busy and on my toes,” Stiles answered with a small smile. Derek nodded at the answer and he couldn't help but stare at his profile. His tongue wet his lips as he made his decision and he grabbed the control turning the television off. Derek looked at him frowning and spoke the question with his eyes. 

“I want an early night.”

“Okay? Well I'm not exactly ready for bed, it's still a little early...”

“No, Derek, I want an early night,” he said emphasizing the words so Derek got the meaning and his eyes went wide. 

“Oh,” he murmured and nodded quickly. “Um, are you sure?”

“If I wasn't, would I ask?”

“Stiles.”

“Yes, I am sure, I want this to happen, I want us to have sex again. Not that I don't mind blowing you and getting you off. But I miss sex, I miss it,” he said, tossing up his hands. 

Derek regarded him carefully before moving closer to him and capturing his mouth. It caught him a little off guard but he was all for it wrapping his arms around his neck. The kisses were slow at first, a little cautious before they deepened. Derek groaned into his mouth and he captured it climbing into his lap. 

“Fuck, Derek,” he whispered, fingers gripping into his shirt. His cock was definitely taking an interest and he yelped surprised at Derek hauling him up and standing. His legs wound around him and he let out a small laugh.

“My big strong wolf,” he praised, kissing his jaw. Derek carried them upstairs and kicked the bedroom door shut behind him before laying him down. They quickly got rid of their clothes till they naked and Stiles groaned greedily at the press of naked skin. Derek trailed his fingers over him and lingered on his stomach, over his scar. Stiles bit his lip and tilted his face towards him kissing him softly.

“It's okay.”

“You sure?”

“We can't let it stop our sex life, Derek.”

Derek pressed a lingering and sweet kiss to his lips and pressed his body against his submitting. Their kisses grew into something hotter, heavier, more demanding, and Stiles moaned at the roll of their bodies. Their cocks sliding against each other so he eagerly bucked wanting him inside of him.

“Come on,” Stiles pleaded softly. Derek moved opening the drawer pulling out the lube and condom. It felt weird seeing the condom but he knew Derek wouldn't do this without one. It was too soon for that discussion. Stiles spread his legs and Derek stuffed a spare pillow underneath him to get better access. The lube on his fingers was cold and Stiles clenched around the first finger that breached him. 

“You're tight,” Derek murmured, finger crooking in the warm canal of him so he groaned out load. 

“I would hope so,” Stiles panted out to the ceiling. Derek slowly fingered him before applying a second finger and he winced a little at the burn of it. The flex of his fingers had him wriggling and groaning before Derek slid a third inside of him and he cried out loud. 

“It's okay,” Derek reassured and he rolled his eyes bearing down onto his fingers.

“Okay, okay, that's enough, fuck me,” Stiles pleaded with him. Derek snorted removing his hand and grabbed the condom ripping it open with his teeth before sliding it on. The emptiness was soon filled and he groaned into Derek's mouth at the slow slide into him. It burned, an old reminder but he loved it. Stiles loved it so much he encouraged it, wrapping his legs around his waist and feeling him bottom out inside of him.

“Feels so good,” he whined against his cheek.

“I know, I know,” Derek replied in an equally wrecked voice before beginning that slow thrust of his hips. Stiles encouraged him rocking back and pleaded under his breath for him to go faster. There was plenty of time for slow but now he needed it fast and hard. Derek seemed to understand that and Stiles knew he wasn't going to last long with the deep thrusts inside of him.

“Shit, fuck,” Stiles cried out, hand wrapping around his own cock to jerk himself off in time with the thrusts currently striking his prostrate. His whole body felt on fire with pleasure and his toes curled at the burn of his approaching orgasm. It felt good to clench down on Derek who swore biting into his neck as he orgasmed. Come splashing his stomach so he panted and moaned throughout it all. The condom kept most of the heat away but he felt it in his neck and in Derek's stuttered groan when he too joined him. 

Their bodies heaved together and he caught Derek wrapping his arms around his neck. They were sticky, sweaty, and covered in come but he hummed kissing him softly.

“That was...”

“Yeah,” Stiles agreed nodding slowly. Derek moved pulling out of him slowly to roll over and take the condom off. Stiles mourned the loss but waited and watched as he got out of bed to get a wet cloth and a dry towel. He cleaned them both up and happily climbed back into the bed to kiss and hold him.

“I missed that,” Stiles murmured into his chest. “That...connection.”

“Me too.”

“It wasn't...too soon, I didn't pressure you did I?” Stiles asked in fear now and lifted his head to look at him. Derek shook his head and captured his mouth again.

“I wanted it too, I wouldn't if I didn't truly want too or if I didn't feel you were ready.”

“Okay,” he said softly, cheek pressing to his chest again feeling content and satisfied. “Okay.”

\--- 

Stiles was reading the newspaper when he felt that familiar churn in his stomach. He was sat on the couch waiting for Derek to cook the breakfast. Sausages, eggs, bacon, but the eggs was throwing him off. It was making him feel sick. Hand pressing to his mouth he made his way upstairs and hurried the rest of the way to the bathroom. Door shutting behind him before he finally knelt and vomited what felt like his entire stomach into the toilet bowl. He heaved for breath rocking back on his knees and grabbed the toilet roll pressing it to his mouth. His stomach ached and his scar also flared a little when he touched it. Seven months had passed and it still ached from time to time. 

Stiles flushed away the contents and stood wobbling a little. There was a clutch of fear in his heart when he made his way out and gagged a little of the smell of eggs lingering. They had been so careful. Sex and condoms, always condoms. They had talked about the pill for men but Stiles didn't like the way they fucked with your fertility and they always made him feel weird. 

“Hey, I'm just running out,” he said loudly to Derek over the radio and hiss of bacon.

“What? But you haven't eaten,” Derek protested.

“Save me some,” he said quickly, hands grabbing the car keys before he shut the front door behind him and hurried away. His hand was trembling a little and he could still taste the sick in his mouth when he drove away and headed not to the local store but outwards. He didn't need Mrs Barnes knowing he was buying pregnancy tests. The whole town knew of his loss, knew of their loss, and he didn't need that gossip. 

Stiles ended up outside of Walmart and made his way inside to get a pregnancy test and some orange juice to encourage peeing. He avoided the store clerks eyes when he paid for two pregnancy tests, just in case. He ended up sitting in the store's bathroom drinking orange juice and staring at the two pregnancy tests. What if he was? His stomach churned and he felt sick at the idea. Not in a negative way but more in a 'what if they lost this one too?' sense. 

It didn't take long before he felt the urge to pee and took the two sticks to pee on them at the same time. Then it was the waiting game and he sat on the toilet lid heavily waiting. Three minutes were up before he looked at them and blinked back the urge to cry. Two positives. 

“Fuck,” he whispered, grabbing some tissue to wrap them up and pocket them up. “Fuck!”

His foot hit the cubicle again and again till his foot ached and he let out a small soft sob. This wasn't supposed to happen again, not until they were ready. But it had and fate had obviously been against them. Stiles opened the door and quickly hurried out and out the store to get back to the car. He didn't know how long he was sat there staring at nothing in the car. He was pregnant. Pregnant again just seven months after suffering a miscarriage in his fourth month. 

His hands shook when he gripped the steering wheel and he drove himself home chewing on his lip the whole way there. Derek was still in thankfully when he arrived and the house didn't smell so much of egg.

“There you are, I've been ringing you,” Derek cried, holding up his phone and sighing deeply. “What the hell was that all about, Stiles?!”

“I needed to check something.”

“What?”

“I threw up,” he said gently. Derek frowned deeply walking over to him to press a palm to his forehead. 

“You're sick?”

“No, I didn't feel it before and I don't feel it now. Well I do a bit. It was the eggs that triggered me to throwing up and the last time it did that...” he trailed off at the sudden realization in his eyes and Derek dropped his hand like a stone. Stiles swallowed hard reaching into his pocket to pull at the tests and hand them over.

Derek unrolled the tissue paper and his skin seemed to pale at the sight of them. 

“Oh god,” Derek whispered. “But we used condoms!”

“Derek, come on, they work ninety seven per cent of the time!” 

“But we were careful!”

“Well obvious not! Let's not have a Rachel and Ross moment here of freaking out at each other, okay?! I'm pregnant, again, and I am fucking scared,” he shouted at him. “Because I can't lose another baby, Derek! Not so soon after our first, I can't go through it again. That agony of never knowing if it was a boy or a girl, what they would have looked like...”

His shouting had triggered his crying and he was dragged into Derek's arms so he clung and rocked him. 

“It's okay, it's okay,” Derek reassured rocking him side to side while he cried into his shoulder. “We'll book an appointment to see the doctor and it'll be okay.”

Stiles sniffed deeply and exhaled wetly clinging to him. He didn't know how long they were stood there but his feet ached and he felt exhausted leaning into him. Derek eventually led him to the couch and they cuddled tight against each other. 

“It'll be different this time,” Derek murmured, hand trailing up and down his arm. Stiles didn't know what to say and instead shut his eyes keeping his silence.

Derek ended up keeping his word and the next day they set out to the doctor's to have a check up and confirmation. He was a bundle of nerves throughout it all when his bloods were taken, his pee checked, and the doctor confirmed he was indeed six weeks pregnant.

“We'll keep you monitored, regular check ups,” the doctor said to them both. Derek's hands was clasped into his and he held on tight nodding to his words. There was a sympathetic smile there and he couldn't respond to the doctor's words of 'don't worry too much' because how could he not?

“We're not telling anyone, we're not doing the nursery again, nothing. I'm six weeks, we don't do anything,” he said to Derek who jerked his head in agreement. “Not till...not till we know for sure...the first trimester, the second...not till we're sure nothing will go wrong.”

Stiles ended up going to bed once he was home and Derek joined him, arms wrapped around him, fingers brushing over his stomach so he shivered.

“I want this,” he whispered. “I want this so much, Derek, what if we -”

“Don't, please don't, just try and keep positive, negative – negative thoughts will only make it worse. Believe in this, believe in our baby,” Derek whispered into his ear so he squeezed his eyes closed and nodded quickly.

So that's what he did. He did his best to keep those negative thoughts at bay. Especially when he was up at odd hours vomiting into the toilet bowl, when his body ached, when he was sleepy and slept in the middle of the day. When his friends asked him where he was and his dad called him asking him over for dinner but each time he refused feeling sick. They didn't understand and he didn't want them too yet. He didn't want them knowing about the little life growing inside of him. 

Stiles didn't tell Derek he checked his underwear every time he went to the bathroom checking if there was blood or not. He hated that his heart skipped a little in hope each time there wasn't. The closer he got to the first trimester the more nervous he felt. Stiles tried to not let Derek notice but he could tell Derek was nervous as well waiting for their first official scan.

“I'm twelve weeks,” he said on the morning of the twelfth week. Derek hummed next to him, lips pressing to his temple so he smiled gently. 

“It'll be okay, I can hear the heartbeat already and it's still there,” Derek assured him. Stiles wrapped his arms around his neck clinging to him. He didn't like thinking about when Derek told he couldn't hear the heartbeat. It still left him with a bad taste in his mouth seeing the pure grief and horror in his eyes. 

“It'll be okay today,” Derek promised him before leaving him in bed to make breakfast. Stiles rest a hand on his stomach and did his best to believe that. Keeping a positive head as he munched on his toast, showered, and got dressed for the day. 

Because today was the day of the first scan and Derek wouldn't let go of his hand throughout the drive and all the way to the scan. Even when he was lying down with the transducer pressed to his stomach and the nurse smiling pleasantly as she pointed out everything looked okay and the baby was healthy. 

“Healthy,” Stiles repeated, a smile teasing at the corners. “That's good enough for me.”

\--- 

Male pregnancies were always considered high risk and Stiles completely understood that. He understood why they were more closely monitored, why their appointments were more frequent. This pregnancy wasn't exactly smooth sailing. The first trimester set his nerves on edge and so did the second trimester. His ankles swelled, his cravings kicked in and he found himself eating cake and pickles at the same time. His entire body ached at the change it was going through and he recalled waking up in the middle of the night in pain. Derek's eyes were always fearful when he ran a bath at three in the morning needing to relax in hot water. 

There were days he was too sick to move and he lay on the couch, Derek sitting on the floor next to him. Head resting against his thigh and bump when he crooned lullabies and he spoke to the baby. Stiles could feel the fluttering movements every time Derek did this and he fought the urge not to cry at that. Those movements were so special to him. They weren't strong enough for Derek to feel but he told him every time the baby moved. 

Stiles cried all day when he passed his fifth month and Derek held him close the whole time. Because he understood. He was still carrying their healthy baby with a strong heartbeat according to Derek and the second 'official' scan would tell them the sex. Stiles could barely cope the day it arrived, could barely sleep or eat his breakfast knowing they were going to find it out. 

“Girl,” Stiles said slapping a ten dollar note down.

“Boy,” Derek said slapping his own down.

Stiles smirked and met his eyes with a nod and checked his cell to see messages from friends and his dad of encouragement. They had only told them after he passed four months and the looks of shock and hope had been expected of them. His dad's kind of lost hopeful look had shattered him the most when he hugged him tight saying no words. There was a fear amongst them all it would happen again but so far so good.

Derek held onto his hand again when they arrived at the surgery and he rest a hand on his bump while they waited. This was surreal and happening to them a lot sooner than he imagined. He nearly jumped out of his skin when his name was called and Derek led them into the room and he was told to lie down. 

“So how are you feeling?” the nurse asked pleasantly and professionally.

“Little sick, I couldn't keep my breakfast down,” he answered honestly watching her squeeze the gel onto his abdomen. The transducer was pressed against him and he squeezed Derek's hand tight.

“Do you want to know the sex?”

“Yes,” they said at the same time so they met eyes and Stiles huffed amused. Stiles swallowed down the burst at emotion seeing the grainy gray and white image of their baby on the screen. Little movements, the heart beating, everything was perfect and overwhelming.

“It's a girl.”

Stiles couldn't even find it in him to rejoice at being right and instead turned his head into Derek's chest to break down and cry. Derek's hand cupped the back of his head and he heard murmuring before the nurse left. 

“It's a girl,” he cried brokenly and Derek nodded brushing his thumbs under his eyes. Stiles met his eyes with a small sob seeing the glassy eyes and he wrapped his arms around him for a hug. Once he started he didn't know how to stop when he cried on and off once the nurse returned seeming to understand. They were given a scan photo and Derek held him around the waist walking them out. 

Stiles couldn't stop staring at the photo. Their little girl was strong and healthy and growing perfectly. It was the words he wanted to hear and he could barely believe. The tears wouldn't stop forming his eyes and he blamed his hormones entirely for the crying on and off. 

“Do you want to tell everyone?”

“Yeah,” Stiles murmured when they got into the house. He ended up heading to the bedroom and went to the drawer pulling out the baby blanket. It smelled a little musty after being in the drawer and the ache in his chest flared. All of this didn't make him forget the first baby, didn't make losing their first any less painful. The baby seemed to move inside of him at those thoughts and he smiled weakly resting a hand against the bump.

“I know, I know, you're there and you're not going anywhere are you sweetheart? No, I know, I just, I can't forget the first. They still existed, they just...my dad told me that little babies that miscarry aren't meant for the world just yet. Kind of daft but I guess it's comforting. It's strange loving something that barely existed but it lived enough that you loved it anyway. Like you, I love you, I haven't even met you yet,” he murmured, hand stroking the side of his bump gently. “I just can't forget the other.”

He inhaled deeply surprised when Derek's arms wound around him.

“I heard you talking, I didn't want to disturb you.”

“Did you tell everyone?”

“Sent out a text message, told them they could come around tomorrow. Today is just for us,” he murmured, kissing his shoulder. 

Stiles nodded leaning back into his warmth. “We should think about maybe getting the nursery ready. We know the sex now. We can make it nice, pretty, something she'll love.”

“Whenever you're ready.”

It took two weeks after the scan and sex reveal that she finally kicked him hard enough for him to feel and for Derek to feel. After that he decided it was time to start the nursery despite the clench of fear. They decided on cream and yellow for the walls.

“She'll be a summer baby,” he murmured softly, hand resting on his bump standing in the room. “She deserves...summer.” 

“I can do that,” Derek said, gloss on his cheek, happiness in his eyes. Stiles had missed it and he couldn't resist leaning in and kissing him. 

“Lydia and Allison are taking me shopping tomorrow, get some baby clothes, little bits and pieces. 

“So that means...”

“Credit card,” he smiled innocently. Derek rolled his eyes but nodded at him in agreement. 

Getting everything ready for the baby felt more and more exciting despite his aches and pains. It felt good to feel a little bit more and more excited for the birth of the baby. It always lifted his spirits when he felt her kick him morning, noon, and night. Little flutters inside of him at three in the morning so he woke up smiling. The baby getting hiccups so he felt everyone and Derek pressed his ears to his bump listening. 

“That was the apple juice you had earlier.”

“That's right, blame the oven,” Stiles remarked, flicking his forehead. 

His due date was getting closer and closer and Stiles had never felt so fat. His ankles felt heavy and he waddled when he walked to Derek's amusement. His mood swings were all over the place and it was a week before he was sat on the porch drinking lemonade. Derek was working out in front of him doing slow stretches. Stiles groaned feeling another Braxton Hicks contraction and breathed through it. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just felt weird, different,” he said, rubbing the bump gently. “But my due date isn't for a week.”

“Sometimes it doesn't matter, nurses warned it could be any day.”

“Whatever,” he grumbled pulling himself up with a groan needing to pee. Stiles made his way to the stairs when he felt it, like a tearing sensation inside of him. The water currently soaking his sweatpants had him reeling and he gasped in realization. 

“DEREK!” 

It was surreal to feel both terrified and excited for the birth of his daughter. To feel on the verge of a panic attack while Derek bundled him into the car and he breathed deeply in and out.

“Oh this is happening!” he cried, hand slamming against the dashboard. 

“It's what we were waiting for,” Derek agreed, driving them to the hospital with one hand, the other clasped into his. 

“I'm scared,” he whispered. 

“I know, I know, but it's going to be okay. The hard part is lying back and letting those doctors open you up and the surgery but after,” Derek said, trailing off with a nod and a smile. “She'll be here and everything we've been waiting for will happen.”

Trusting in that was all he had when he eventually arrived and he was led into the hospital by Derek's hand. Sitting in silence and grief felt so far away when he was being prepped for surgery, his body wrecked in drugs and pain. The realization that he would soon be parent to a tiny little baby was surreal. That months of heartbreak and grief and confusion had led to this moment, a moment he swore he'd never forget. It was weird feeling numb from the chest down and feel instruments blunt against his skin. To look at the doctors and nurses looking down at him, to see Derek dressed in hospital clothing and at his head. 

The moment she was pulled into the world and she let out her first piercing cry was the moment he also cried with her. No one judged him and Stiles watched her be taken away by the nurse. 

“She's perfect,” Derek whispered ducking down to kiss him hard. 

“She's here,” he whispered in return. Derek wiped his tears away so he felt better lying there while he was stitched up. The nurse returned with a pink bundle and Derek was allowed first hold. Stiles watched his eyes light with love and awe holding her for the first time and he bit his lip hard not wanting to cry again. 

“She's perfect,” Derek repeated, gentle fingers stroking the softness of her skin carefully. 

Stiles was eventually, to his relief, wheeled into recovery and allowed his turn of holding his daughter for the first time. Derek sat next to him on the bed as they stared down at her. There was blood in her hair and her eyes closed as she slept, tiny fingers wrapped around his finger. 

“She was worth it all,” Stiles murmured, lips pressing to her forehead. 

“Her name, we hadn't decided,” Derek muttered softly, hands joining him to stroke over her blanket and touch her hand. Stiles inhaled deeply thinking of the past year and a half. Thinking of their other baby and the grief that came after it. 

“Hope,” he said, turning his head to meet his eyes. “Hope Laura.”

Derek's eyes burned with emotion and he nodded slowly. His forehead pressed against his temple and he listened to the soft breathing sounds of Derek next to him, Hope in his arms, and the tweet of the birds outside his window. The silence was gone, the grief and heartache healed piece by piece and that was enough for him.


End file.
